Nicole's Story

It started with nail varnish, stuff like that. Just anything that would get me out of my mind. For some strange reason, when I was young, like 14 or 15, I just always wanted to find ways of changing how I felt in my head. I couldn’t fault my parents, I had a good upbringing and I don’t blame them for why I used. But I do feel like I was brought up in a family where you couldn’t express your emotions.

So that’s where it started, and at 16 I’d got involved in a relationship, left home and fell pregnant aged 17.

I was doing OK at the time, I was working as a pizza chef, which I quite enjoyed, and I lived next door to my mam. But it was obviously a bit early in life to get pregnant, and it wasn’t planned. Plus, the father he wasn’t worth your life!

But then things just went pear-shaped. I got involved with the wrong people, including this notorious family, and I started using numerous drugs and getting into trouble. So it was a mutual agreement, with me and the social, where my ma took my boy for us.

So I just walked away.

And then it just seemed to go on from there, you know, like I would finally get out of one situation of domestic violence and then I’d get straight back into another. I would cope with it by using drugs to get through it. And I just got to the point where the drugs turned into Class As, and then I would be addicted to them. It was all or nothing for me, and it’s went on for years and years.

In the middle of all this I felt pregnant again. This time with twins. Yet again, the father wasn’t the type of person I wanted to be with, and I had been trying to end the relationship when it happened, because it was violent. But when I got pregnant we decided to make a go of it, move house and everything. And I was clean for two and a half years! Then he started drinking alcohol and it all got bad again and I didn’t know how to deal with it cos he was on the rent book.

I got in touch with social services but they said they couldn’t really get involved. So I got in touch with the housing and explained the situation. This was after there was an incident where he set about us and took my money off us – in front of the children. The housing said, with it being a joint tenancy, we couldn’t get him off it but that he wasn’t allowed to come to the house for six weeks – and he never did, cos my brother was always parked outside.

So things picked up after that. My mam helped us out, and we went on holiday and I was having a great life.

Then just this one day I thought, oh, I’ll just have one. Then that one led to another…

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Unfortunately, at this point, I got involved with a drug dealer. It was a man who was a lot older than me. It was nothing sexual but he knew that I used heroin. He wasn't selling it at the time but he knew what he was doing, he’d get it in and he was feeding us it.

For a while I was still managing, all the way up until the bairns were eight. Even though I was struggling with addiction I always presented well. When the social came to my home it was always tidy, they knew the boys were all right etc. But it got to the stage where the dealer was giving us that much that I couldn’t get out of bed. So they were on to it straight away, the neighbours, they knew something was wrong. The kids were off school continuously for five days, and they were knocking on the door. And I was honest with them, and I just says, looka, I hold my hands up. I thought, instead of lying, I’ve got to put the kids first. So to cut a long story short, they went with my mam.

I think they would have stayed with my mam like my eldest had but then my dad got diagnosed with cancer. So after a year it went to court. The case was meant to last three days, but it lasted just twenty minutes. I just told them the truth and they couldn’t believe that I did. So even though I couldn’t have the kids then, they told me I could take them back to court once I got well, so that was always my intention.

So they went into foster care and ended up in a placement where they just didn’t settle. Then they got moved to a new carer man and he’s absolutely fab - he’s a scout leader, takes them all over. He’s got them in a football team and seeing them happy makes me content. But they keep saying to us, ‘cause I see them when they come to my mam’s at the weekend, they keep saying, mam, when am I coming home?

Of course I would love to have them back and I’ve been doing dead well a lot of the time, but the past is always brought up. There are so many lies in the reports, too. I don’t really read all the court files because, I’ll be honest, I’m terrible at not facing things. But I’ve read some social service reports and some of it I cannot believe. Like this one time, when the kids were still at home, the social had come to my house. And the report says that one of the kids had asked for a drink of water and it was in a paint pot! I can honestly swear to God, even my ma laughed, she went, a paint pot, you haven’t even got a frigging paint pot – you don’t even paint!

And I swear down, I’d take a dying oath on it, it was lies.

I also think it was wrong to make decisions about my children based just on drugs samples. They never really found proof of neglect, I was never out of it. I didn’t want to get out of it. And I was using speed too which, if anything motivates you. But maybe with a bit more support I could’ve stopped using.

But, still, I’d be over the moon if the kids get to stay with the guy they’re with ‘cause I would hate them to have to keep chopping and changing places. But I know like, if I keep doing well, I know when they hit their teenage years if I’ve got myself a nice home they get to stay over and things. I’ll never give up on them like, whether they come home or not.

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I’ve been on my own now for two years and I love it. But I’ll be honest, I do struggle, every day I struggle.

I’m still on a prescription, but I’m only on 15mg methadone. But I know that if I get involved with somebody who’s on a script or on drugs, it’s a downward spiral.

So I do want to get myself better, and I know that talking about it all helps, and I speak to my mam very openly about it, which I could never do before, and I’ve got the support of a friend and my brother’s wife, which I never had ‘cause I would isolate myself away cause I was so embarrassed about being an addict.

It’s one thing being given your methadone script, but I really could’ve done to talk more about my mental health and what I’d been through before now. I’m now getting the chance to talk more. There’s a guy I’ve been chatting to for a year now, he works with people who have got thoughts of suicide, and he’s helped us through things, got in touch with my doctor, got us in with Talking Helps and, you know, he’s been brilliant with me. And after the 45 minute phone call, it really helps me. And my ma says that’s what I need more of. The chance to talk.

So I think if I had been able to have a proper counsellor back then it would’ve made a difference, because I think there’s a lot I need to talk about. There have been times where I went to take my own life, and I’d phone the crisis team but they did absolutely jack shit. I think it was because I was under the influence. And, you know, luckily something must have clung on to me for us not to do it. I’d be honest with you, the only reason what stops me is ‘cause I’d feel awful on the kids. I always think of the bairns and I think of how it would wreck their life. I know it would.

I think I could have done with speaking with somebody outside the circle, too. ‘Cause I felt like I had to lie a lot. You know, to tick boxes for social and things like that, I couldn’t be honest when I wanted to be. I couldn’t say, yes I am using, you know, and I would like help. I was frightened.

I might shed a tear when I talk about it. I hate showing weakness you know. Not many people see my crying.

After that, I’d just love to find a new home in a different area. I don’t want a lot of money, just to live comfortably. And I would love to get into some sort of course to work towards employment.

And of course, I’d love more than anything to have my children home one day