Kim's Story

The domestic violence programmes I did were eye openers and now I can sort of pick abusers out from the crowd, you know. But you can’t always tell. Sometimes, you have to get to know someone before the signs start to show. And by that time it’s too late and you’re like, how do I get out of this without causing a fight?

I left school at 16 and met this bloke, he was 28 and had no fixed address. I felt sorry for him. So my mam put us down as homeless, I got my own place and moved him in. But he was violent, and an alcoholic, so I got regular hidings.

I ended up having kids with him and it didn’t matter where we were, who we were with, whether the kids were present or not, I’d either get a hiding or he’d smash my house up.

I didn’t manage to get rid of him until I was 30, but then I jumped straight into another relationship. This bloke seemed different. But even though he didn’t hit me, he started asking me questions like where I’d been, who I’d been with, why I was dressed like I was, why I had brushed my hair. And I never had a purse or money of my own. So the relationship was different, but it was still controlling. I had a daughter with him while we were together.

After that, my next relationship was with a bloke who hadn’t long lost his leg, it had been amputated. So he was trying to deal with that in his own head, and work out different medications for his pain. So, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, but he was a drug user and he was always threatening me. He never hit me, but I was just always threatened.

So to cope, I took the route of using speed just to kind of, be one step ahead, to have my wits about me. But even when I’d managed to leave these blokes, because of the children, they were always still involved in some way.

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Social services have been in and out of my life for years, and things have been through the court and my daughter has to live with her dad. My house isn’t considered safe because of one of my exes. I’ve had to move recently and hardly anybody knows my address, it’s safer that way.

It all started with social services when my oldest son, who is autistic and has ADHD had tried to take his own life. He was about seven or eight at the time.

Then, his grandda, it had came about that he had abused two of his daughters in the past. So he was put away for that, but my kids were then questioned about whether they’d been left alone with him and whether anything had happened. And luckily enough, nothing had.

Then I had social services involved again when I was pregnant because of things that had been said about my oldest son’s behaviour towards other kids. And I still to this day safeguard my kids and my grandkids when he's around because we never got a final outcome, there was just insufficient evidence.

So then obviously with the domestic abuse, they’ve come in and and been involved in that too, and my drug taking too. So yeah, I’ve kinda had them in and out quite a bit…

A few months ago, my ex who has my ten year old daughter, agreed that she could come home as long as I was off the drugs and my ex was out the picture. So I got her back for about three days but then my ex came and put my car windows out. I reported it but, the week after, he came back and set fire to my car right outside my sitting room window.

I did what I could, got the kids in their coats and slippers and stood out in the back garden. I rang the fire brigade. And it was at this point, after handing my daughter back, the social workers said my house just wasn’t safe enough, and the kids would need to go back to their dads…

I’ve now got a year’s injunction against the ex that put my windows through but they haven’t got enough evidence to charge him for the arson yet so he’s up at court soon.

I was also told to move house or I wouldn’t get my kids back at all, but I was told I’d get help with moving, with curtains and carpets and things. Although I’ve not had any of this help yet - other than getting help changing my gas and electric meters which left us with no credit whatsoever. I’m still waiting for my vouchers for that. And now the social worker’s just getting back to us to say they can’t help with carpets and curtains because the child actually doesn’t live with us. It’s just a complete struggle just getting anybody to listen. And I got to the point a couple of weeks ago where it all got a bit much so I took a handful of paracetamol.

I can't say that I really wanted to die, and I do feel really selfish for doing it. It was just wanting to be heard.

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With the drugs, I do still take them. Everybody’s just saying that I need sleeping tablets ‘cause I’m not sleeping, but I'm quite the opposite – I’m sleeping all the time. It’s like hello, give me something to keep my eyes open and keep my mind focused because I just want to sleep. But I can’t get out of bed. When really large events happen, it has the effect of a sedative.

And I'm just leaving myself big piles of to-do lists, but can’t be bothered and don't have the energy to even do something about it, or I've tried and people aren't listening. So I just use to keep me focused because I’m not focusing unless I’ve had a couple of lines, which is wrong. But I don’t know what else to do. The doctor said I was anemic but I’m taking a high dose of iron and vitamin D for that but I’m still tired and sleepy. So I use, and then try and get through part of the list and some of the phone calls, and then at the end of the phone calls well, I’m no further forward. Nobody’s listened or nobody’s getting back to me. So I use again and yeah, it is starting to become a problem again.

But the social workers were aware that I was taking. It wasn’t my using so much that was the problem. My bills were paid, there was food on the table, the kids were well dressed and they were clean, the same with my house. And I was clean for a long time. But then, if there was a bad day or something, like when I’ve had time with my children taken off me, it would be a trigger to use.

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Today, my children are aged between 25 and ten. I’ve got my 15 year old living with me, and social services are letting me have one of my grandkids come to stay with me. Although I’m not getting the Universal Credit for that even though social services have agreed to it.

But I’m still not allowed to have my ten year old daughter back at home.

Any contact I have with my daughter has to be over FaceTime. I was seeing her, but it became too difficult because she’d be kicking and screaming and not wanting to leave us at the end of the visit. She’d be clinging on to me, to door handles or the railing, just to stay with us. It was awful. So, for the last 25 weeks, it’s just been FaceTime, three times a week. But her dad has cut my Wednesday FaceTime off cos he heard swearing in the background once, which is weird cos I know he swears at them. So now I just get a Monday and a Friday.

I’d love to be able to get proper time with her. She can’t speak freely on FaceTime cause her dad’s got the volume turned up and she has to have her bedroom door open. She keeps leaving us little messages on her screen because she can’t speak. But I’m not that clued up with it all so I don’t really know how to put them back up on the screen.

And then there’s only so much you can do over FaceTime to occupy yourselves for an hour. So she's giving us a little glimpse of her box full of different coloured marbles, emptying them out and saying, right, you've got to put them all back in the box without seeing them, how many pink, how many orange?

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Before I moved to where I am now I had somebody stopping with us, and I had cameras up, and like extra locks and stuff on my doors, a letterbox lock, somebody staying with us just for company. But I wouldn't be able to sleep until I heard that first bus pass by in the morning, so I knew that there was people out and about on the go, should I need to run for help. But now I've moved, I can get a good kip and I’m actually comfortable where I am.

But I do just wish that everyone was treated the same way by social services. I’ve seen people get help with curtains and carpets, but I never did. I go to a support group, though, which is great. It’s more for my mental health and supporting me through me not having my kids. Honestly, they’re like a second family. And I do SMART recovery too which I love. But I would like to get more support from my social worker, to just get some replies to my emails.

Sometimes I wear my heart on my sleeve, but like I do tend to sit with a smile and I can laugh about things and sometimes it means I'm not taken seriously or they think that I don’t need the help because I look alright with a big smile. But it’s not the case, I’m falling apart.

I feel like I’m climbing a slippery mountain, and I’m sliding further than I’m climbing. I just need to get them gripper boots on and find out where my first grippy bit is.

Honestly though, if I could wave a magic wand, all I’d want is some carpets and to have my daughter home with me.